This will be the most contradicting sentence I will ever write. Honestly, I am a pathological liar. It’s second nature at times. I lie to get a reaction out of people. It’s an awful habit and as I grow older I become less and less interested in it. But there was a time when this habit of mine was so natural that I believed all my little white lies but in the back of my mind I knew the truth.
I started dating at around 14. Ever since then I would spit out I love you’s as if I was handing out flyers. Every boyfriend I had said it back and it was nice to hear. I never took it to heart since when I said it I didn’t mean any of it.
I just liked the fairy tale of being in love, you know finding that one person that’s right for you. My prince charming and so on and so on.
Anyway when I finally got into my first adult relationship he took it slow. He said he would tell me honestly how he felt when he was ready. It wasn’t until 6 months into our relationship he finally told me.. Ashley, I love you.
My reaction? I mean I said it back because it was easy to. But what my reaction was inside was.. ya ok LIAR!
you can try to dissect me and say its due to me being a liar that I am paranoid of others. In a sense you are correct. But in another sense I see words are so easily said. It doesn’t require much effort. Everyone lies almost everyday whether it be, a laugh to a joke that’s not so funny or a thank you for doing your god damn job right for once.
What I am trying to say is saying I Love You should be expressed in a way that I can fully understand if you mean it. I don’t understand it in the sense of you saying it verbally.
one late night I told my boyfriend that you can say I love You as much as you want. But to me its worthless words. It spits out of your mouth effortlessly.
I guess that did get to him because one day I came home and there was a letter.
A letter that took time, thought, and the right words to get his message across. Instead of 3 words he wrote 235 words that didn’t include I love you but meant it instead.
If you want to express something it has to be in a way the receiver can understand and for me it was that letter. I have had many men tell me they love me but I have had only one man that actually loved me.
You could disagree and so probably will my past partners. But how can you say that you truly loved me if you didn’t express it in a way I could understand?