How I Knew Santa Wasn’t Real

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Does anybody know how they came to the realization Santa isn’t real? I only assume you believe in it as a child and as you grow older you understand that realistically He is made up. Anyways every since I was little I was told Santa was real. He would give me a gift on Christmas and I got to take pictures with him every year. I even laid him  out cookies at night for his long trip across the world.

I was about 6 or 7 at the time when I started to become proactive. I always wanted to help in anyway I could. I used to help wrap presents with my Aunt Vicky. We would make them all look nice with ribbons and bows.

So while we were wrapping presents she told me hey Put a name tag on this gift. I replied with sure and did as she asked. Afterwards she said, “Ok now take the pen and write From: Santa”

I froze.

Thought about it.

Everything made sense.

There was no Santa she was Santa! Why did all Santa’s wrapping paper look like my Aunt Vicky’s.

She never realized she blew it with the whole Santa thing.

She ended up making me realize the tooth fairy wasn’t real too. I woke up in the middle of the night to see her hand under my pillow.

Let’s just say she isn’t very sneaky.

Thanks Aunty Vicky.

Dear Angie,

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It’s hard to bring up during text or to tell you in person so I hope you read this and take it into consideration. I want to say that you deserve better because there was a time that no matter what day, year, season, partner that came my way…. it was always him.

Every movie theater, restaurant and subway station reminded me of him. Even though your life keeps moving forward and you think your doing alright in the back of your mind, you hope somewhere in the future you two will run into each other. That the memories like the endless nights of talking and laughing will continue. You start to wish to go back to a time where everything made sense.

Some nights are so lonely the silence is louder than any song. All the happy go lucky love songs become cliche and the heartbreaking slow songs become your bible verse.

You almost go into insanity obsessively thinking about him. You wonder is he’s happy, if shes good to him and is he’s thinking of you.

How can two people who once thought they would share a whole life together stop talking. You notice that the phone calls, texts and weekend dates are missing in your normal routine. The hours feel longer as there isn’t anyone else at the end of the line to talk to and the mornings are strange without that good morning text.

You say fuck it. Fuck love, fuck life. But you can say that all you want,  it doesn’t change the fact that you do love.

and Angie if any of this sounds like you….

then your me.

5 years ago I was there. Sometimes I would cry if a song came on and change it to an even sadder song just to cry some more and then fall asleep. I was so heart broken..and a little dramatic from all the Korean drama’s that I would hold my heart as I cried missing him.

Remember there was a reason you broke up. You may think it wasn’t as important now, but at that time it was big enough for you two to break everything you ever built.

But let me tell you something. It does get better if you want it to. Sometimes we get lost within our partners we live through them. We lose ourselves. I spent every second of my life for the last 4 years with him. I forgot there was an Ashley before him and she was fine without him.

…..and one day when your ready, and you have figured yourself out, because moving on and finding yourself takes some time. Someone will show you love.. without the crying and the heartbreak because the right person wouldn’t stand for you to cry anymore.

So focus on you. It’s OK to cry and miss him. But don’t you miss you?  Before him you were strong, independent and happy…. so when your ready, let me know and we will go find that girl again!

 

Express in a Way I Could Understand

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This will be the most contradicting sentence I will ever write. Honestly, I am a pathological liar. It’s second nature at times. I lie to get a reaction out of people. It’s an awful habit and as I grow older I become less and less interested in it. But there was a time when this habit of mine was so natural that I believed all my little white lies but in the back of my mind I knew the truth.

I started dating at around 14. Ever since then I would spit out I love you’s as if I was handing out flyers. Every boyfriend I had said it back and it was nice to hear. I never took it to heart since when I said it I didn’t mean any of it.

I just liked the fairy tale of being in love, you know finding that one person that’s right for you. My prince charming and so on and so on.

Anyway when I finally got into my first adult relationship he took it slow. He said he would tell me honestly how he felt when he was ready. It wasn’t until 6 months into our relationship he finally told me.. Ashley, I love you.

My reaction? I mean I said it back because it was easy to. But what my reaction was inside was.. ya ok LIAR!

you can try to dissect me and say its due to me being a liar that I am paranoid of others. In a sense you are correct. But in another sense I see words are so easily said. It doesn’t require much effort. Everyone lies almost everyday whether it be, a laugh to a joke that’s not so funny or a thank you for doing your god damn job right for once.

What I am trying to say is saying I Love You should be expressed in a way that I can fully understand if you mean it. I don’t understand it in the sense of you saying it verbally.

one late night I told my boyfriend that you can say I love You as much as you want. But to me its worthless words. It spits out of your mouth effortlessly.

I guess that did get to him because one day I came home and there was a letter.

A letter that took time, thought, and the right words to get his message across. Instead of 3 words he wrote 235 words that didn’t include I love you but meant it instead.

If you want to express something it has to be in a way the receiver can understand and for me it was that letter. I have had many men tell me they love me but I have had only one man that actually loved me.

You could disagree and so probably will my past partners. But how can you say that you truly loved me if you didn’t express it in a way I could understand?

Express

“The Best Friend Title”

 

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I have always wanted that best friend; the Millhouse to my Bart, that Stewie to my Brian or that Pikachu to my Ash. So whenever I met a potential girl whom I could see being that title, I asked her what her hobbies or her interests were. I assumed having the same likes would automatically build this eternal bond. Yet in a way that was only half true.

I met a girl from work. She ranted to me about life; I listened and tried to give her advice. I didn’t think anything would come of it. We came from different worlds. She was very into cars, I was very into books. We had opposite interests I would say.

But how I knew she was the one?

I like to go out. Not anywhere specific, not just bars and clubs. I just like to go out whether it is just to walk around the streets or go grab a bite to eat.  But now entering adulthood, things like these are limited. People work the next morning or people have kids and whatever adult issues arise that prevents them from spending a night out.

My life fell into the same pattern work, school, parent, repeat.

I decided to call the girl from work to tag along for desert one night. One thing lead to another and boom bam it was a really fun night. We laughed and talked and had a blast. Where exactly did we go that was so fun, that made me think hey this could be my BFFL?

Well..

We went to Walmart then chilled in the car wrapping birthday presents.

Call it what you will but it was a last minute, spontaneous night out and HELL it was fun! We don’t have the same interests like watching horror movies which I love and she hates. BUT we have something in common and I don’t know how to rephrase it but we are down kind of people.

Like call me up give me 10 minutes I am there and she’s exactly the same! I love that about us and now we go out and just let the day drag us to our next adventure. Sometimes its lunch at Denny’s, other times its shots at a bar but for some reason it ends up back at Walmart.

Either way she’s down for a Walmart or IKEA run and so am I!

via Daily Prompt: Interest

Interest

Why I Am Not Allowed To Hand Out Candy In My Community Anymore

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It’s not even close to Halloween just yet. But I remembered this event randomly and thought it would be nice to share.

I used to live in a community of houses. You probably see them around. It’s like a little area you turn in and it’s full of the exact same house side by side.

Every year I have lived there I always wanted to hand out candy but something always came up. I had work until really late or I had Halloween plans of my own.

Anyway at this time I was working as a receptionist at a beauty salon. The hours were terrible. I only assumed that because I would get home around 9:30 pm this would be another year of not handing candy out.

I’m a very festive person. I enjoy seeing children in costumes and getting excited for this particular day. It might be because I had such amazing memories of Halloween as a child.

Anyway this day, I knew, I wasn’t going to give out candy. Which really bummed me out. Every year I say next year I’ll do it and I just don’t. So 8 pm had hit and I was off work. It was a long day at work like it always is dealing with superficial women, but that’s another story for another day.

I go on the bus and start seeing children going out for their fun night around their block. I smile as I love how creative these children get on Halloween.

I get off the bus at 9 pm. Yes, it takes me an hour to get home. Which is why the thought of Halloween was a no go for me.

As I walk towards my house I see children still going around trick-or-treating and I decided maybe it’s not too late to hand out candy.

Which then got me all excited. I ran to the nearest Shoppers Drug Mart. It was about a 10-minute walk but I ran so it took me half the time. I bought an overpriced box of chocolates and shimmied my way back to my community of houses.

As I am walking and remind you it’s dark and cold. I see the group of children I had previously seen going around asking for candy, leaving. They were leaving my duplex and either going home or going to another set of houses down the block.

They were the only group of children I saw in my duplex and I desperately did not want to miss out on yet another Halloween.

So I started running as fast as I can towards the group of children and their parents.

I screamed out “HEY WAIT UP KIDS”.

I guess it was dark or something but I heard the parents start telling the kids to walk faster (away from me).

During the adrenaline rush, I thought maybe they don’t understand that I wanted to give them candy.

I screamed out “I HAVE CANDY”

Now the children have started speed walking/ lightly jogging away from me.

I still was confused so I thought maybe they think I’m a threat. The parents were just scared of strangers.

So I thought maybe they don’t see I have candy. They might think I’m like those weird kidnappers that tell kids they have candy.

Instead, I ran as fast as I could to catch up and grabbed hand fulls of candy and started throwing it at them.

At this point, the children are running away. Mother’s are saying “ignore her run!”

To which I thought was a misunderstanding and continued to throw candy and run in their direction.

About 30 seconds later a father comes out of nowhere coming in my direction and says “don’t come near my fucking children”.

I stop dead in my tracks.

Before I could explain myself…

The father screams, “Don’t take another step. Don’t come close.”

I’m shaking I just wanted to hand out candy.

I hear a mom refer to me as “crazy lady”.

I was about to cry. But I held it in. I turned around and walked the other direction.

I was so embarrassed. It was a complete misunderstanding. Looking back I totally get it some random person is running throwing candy at your child and yourself. Of course, you would go into defense mode.

Anyway, now my daughter hands out candy. A 3-year-old child is less threatening I guess.

 

How We Met The Neighbors

56eff6a07707d684a29ae9abe699ee57_clipart-apartment-apartment-vs-house-clipart_1300-825.jpegWhen I was 15. We had never really introduced ourselves to our neighbors. I would see in movies and shows how friendly neighbors were. How we all come together as a community. But not here. Everyone who lived on our block minded their own business. You would just see them go in their house and get out of their house. If we ever met eye to eye accidentally there was never a smile or hello.

It seemed like we didn’t care about the people around us and they didn’t care about us. This never occurred to be strange. Until I saw how friendly people were on the television.

Well, I didn’t do anything to change it. Each day was exactly the same as the next.

Except for One day, things did change.

I moved from Toronto to Kingston for a brief time and it was disgustingly boring. I couldn’t drive and it was very rural. Walking miles and miles just wouldn’t get you nowhere. At this time there were no buses except for the bus that took you from the University back to the city for about 109 dollars.

I don’t know about you but just to go to the city for a couple hours to kill time for 109 dollars was out of my budget. At 15 I didn’t have 2 dollars to my name.

Anyway, that day I wanted to go to the backyard to hang around outside. I open the backyard door and I see something dark running towards me. I slam the door closed as some kind of reflex. The thing hit the door after I slammed it closed.

I pressed my ear against the door and hear it meowing. It was some cat trying to attack me. So I did what I thought was best. He wants to try to scare me! Well, I’m going to scare him!

I open the door firmly and walk out and wave my hands and started barking like I’m a big dog. Yeah, a real big dog. A pit bull! I growled and barked and I think I even howled! Then I paused to hear if the cat was around….

I didn’t hear any cat. I didn’t see any cat coming to attack me. Maybe it ran off.. and then my train of thought broke.

I heard laughter.

I turned around to see my neighbor was having a BBQ with I assume his friends. They all died of laughter. I was so embarrassed I ran back inside.

A few minutes later there is a knock on the door.

I thought I was in trouble for causing such noise and ruining their little party.

I opened the door and it was our neighbor. Obviously.

He smiled at me and said, “We have not introduced ourselves, My names Chris”

He pulls out his hand.

I shake it and say, “My names Ashley” still embarrassed.

He says, “Oh you know how to speak?”

I was confused, “What do you mean?”

“I didn’t know dogs could talk” He laughs

I laugh but my feelings were a little hurt.

My aunt comes to the door to see who I’m talking to. He tells her the story and they laugh. I never have seen my aunt laugh so much.

He invites all of us over to have some of his delicious bbq ribs.

That day we finally met our neighbors.

 

Being with a Married Man

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I took the bus to work every day. I didn’t drive nor could I afford insurance or a car. Every day I would wait for my bus for about 10-15 minutes. I was sort of early as the bus was really unpredictable and in the suburban area that I lived the bus came every 45 minutes. So missing the bus was not an option.

One day as I sat and listened to music a guy sat beside me. I noticed he was cute immediately. He had a good sense of style and very clean shaven. He turns around and smiles at me. I smile back.

He says something but I can’t catch what it was, due to the music blasting from my earphones.

I take them off and say, “pardon me?”

He smiles again and replies with, “your very pretty”.

“oh thank you” I reply.

He asked me where I was going, in which I told him I was on my way to work. I saw my bus coming and so did he.

He asked if he could text me and maybe grab some lunch sometime. I told him sure, gave him my number and carried on with my day.

The next day he asked if we could have lunch somewhere near my work. So we went to Starbucks and had coffee and a sandwich.

He would text me every night ever since the lunch date and he saw me every weekday, this lasted for about 2 months. By then we started going on dates on the weekends. He never once asked me to go back to his place. He always came to mine.

That didn’t alarm me of anything. Which I feel it should have.

He was very organized. Like he had OCD. If I forgot something in his car he would see it immediately and tell me “hey take your hair tie back” or whatever it was.

Again, I didn’t think anything of it.

One day I get in his car so we can go to a festival. I finally persuaded him to go to. I see there is a child’s car seat in the back and immediately ask (at this time I didn’t have a child of my own yet). He tells me he has a 1-year-old baby. I asked him why he never mentioned this before.

He said it was because he thought it would be a problem for me and I wouldn’t date him because of it. All I asked was where was the mother?

He said the mother ran away after the baby was born and he was a single father. She had a big drug addiction and couldn’t deal with all the responsibilities it took to be a mother. God was I so naive. I remember saying how sorry I felt for him.

We started sleeping together around this time. He showed me pictures of his baby and told me that once we got more serious he would let me see her.

I started to daydream about meeting her and helping him. He was a damaged hottie who had such a huge heart.

One night I was half asleep when I get a phone call from him. I pick up and a girl is on the line.

Girl: Who is this?

Me: Ashley, Who is this?

Girl: None of your business.

Me: ok….. [in shock]

Girl: Do you know me and Jayden have a baby together?

Me: Yes he told me. You are the…

-She Hangs Up-

This is how you know I’m young and dumb. I STILL didn’t put two and two together.

He comes over that night as I’m confused and tells me how she randomly showed up asking for money for drug addiction and found out he’s seeing someone, which got her all crazy. He apologized for everything and kissed me on the forehead.

He reassured me she’s out of the picture and it would never happen again.

I told him I wanted to see his place. Which he immediately shut down. But I guess he knew that if he wasn’t going to do so, I would start getting suspicious.

He said in 2 weeks I can spend the night at his place.

So 2 weeks passed and it was time. I was excited to come over. So when I did. Things started adding up. He didn’t have OCD because the house was a mess. I noticed a lot of women’s belongings scattered around the house and so I asked. He said his mom sometimes stayed over to help with the baby.

He told me to get changed into his clothes so I would be more comfortable. Since I decided to dress in the most uncomfortable outfit ever. I went to the drawer looked for something I’de like to wear. As rummaged through his clothes I felt something hard between two shirts. Curious to what it was I grabbed it and flung the shirts on the floor. It was a picture frame with a family photo of his so-called “drug addict runaway baby mama”, their baby and him.

I ran straight to him and threw the picture at him and headed for the door. He grabbed my hand and pulled me towards him.

“Ashley I can explain” he pleads.

I didn’t want to hear it. Why was I so stupid? The signs were all there. It was so obvious. But I chose not to see them.

He continues to beg, saying how he left his wife and child for me, for us.

For the first time since we been together, he said, “I love you”.

This is all I could say, “I could never love someone who would cheat and throw their wife and child on the street”

I yanked my hand away from his grip and stormed out.

We never talked since.

So in a way, I was with a married man though I did not know, I felt so guilty when I found out. There was a wife at home taking care of their child while he was running off with me. To her, I’m sorry. You deserve so much more than such an ass.

Dating after A baby- Tinder, Bumble, Etc.

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I was only out of the dating game for a couple of years. I’m not old or anything it’s just the times really have changed. When I dated I didn’t look online I did the cliche club or bar kind of thing. But then again I was a waitress so it was easier to mingle. Plus I was 18 and going to malls and movie theaters was the ultimate you will get hit on hot spots.

After I met a guy while I was waitressing at work. We hit it off and got serious boom bam Knocked up. After the baby was born we went through dark and tough times.  I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. I was only 22 but felt like I was trapped into a 35-year-old kind of relationship.

My significant other thought it was time to throw in the towel. Women should clean and cook. I wanted to find myself and learn who I am.

Anyway, I’m rambling. We called it quits and I soon enough jumped back into dating.

Now it was hard. I mean meeting someone new was super hard I worked at a beauty parlor at the time so finding a guy at work was impossible. Also not allowed to date clients.

So my co-workers gently guided me to the online dating app world. I downloaded Bumble and Tinder.

Let me tell you being a woman makes you popular. But also being a woman makes you almost turn lesbian on these apps. I saw so many dick pics and I’ll be the first to say they are not beautiful.  After separating the spam sex pics from the normal guys, you phase out the ones that want to see you at night time, or get sexual, or don’t reply and then you’re down to about 5 potential dateable guys.

Well 5 for me at least.

The first guy I met came on too strong. We met at a cafe and before you know it I had a tongue down my throat and a finger weirdly in my ear. Is that a thing? Like an ear fetish or something? Well, whatever it was Number 1 it got me scared and number 2 my ear is no longer a virgin which is sad. I would want to loose my ear virginity to someone special LOL.

The second guy was beyond handsome. We got along well and our nights seemed like they never ended. We went everywhere Bowling, dinners, movies, arcades, etc. He admitted he liked me I said the same. We kept dating for a couple months and then we started talking. you know the real talks about life. Where we were headed, how we feel. We finally parted ways which deeply hurt me as he couldn’t accept I had a daughter.

This was the point I realized I was in limbo with my age and my life. I’m 22 in an age where I should be having fun meeting new people enjoying youth. But I can’t because I have a little one who depends on me.

The third guy was super hot stuff.  We dated for a brief time of 2 weeks. I started to realize he just liked beer and partying. He didn’t have anything going for him. No ambitions or motivations. He just kept going out. I needed someone more on a path.

The fourth guy. Oh god. No. we met at a nice restaurant. We had good food and then he said, “So what’s it going to take for you to take me home”. I had to bolt after that. But he wouldn’t let me go. He insisted on driving me home. I didn’t want him to know where I lived so I called a cab and deleted his number. Eventually had to block it as the dick photos were sent with the caption “I know you want this”. No, I do not want your penis in my mouth. If it’s long and brown and it’s going in my mouth you bet your ass it’s an Oh Henry Chocolate bar.

Finally to the fifth guy. He was a very cute guy. We met at another coffee shop and then our next date was at a restaurant. He seemed so sweet and nice. Then when we went to my place he started pinching me. Then punching my arm, and then biting me. Then it turned to pushing me on the floor and giving me Indian burns. A few confused moments later he told me he’s into SnM. He continues with “is it ok if I punch you in the face”. Like is ok if I punched you in the balls? I had to make an excuse for him and his 50 shades of HELL NO to leave, forever.

So all in all a very interesting experience. But Tinder and Bumble weren’t for me. But it might be different for you. Good luck on your search!

Juggling Being a Mom, School & Work

Coming into motherhood was a real surprise. I was pregnant at 20 and didn’t even finish high school yet. While I was pregnant I was determined to at least finish high school. Which is what I exactly did! Hooray! unnamed (1)

Then my daughter was born and bills began piling up. So I got a job to pay for the necessities my baby needed. Then I came to the realization that a High School Diploma just isn’t enough. I needed to further my career to get paid more. I mean I can’t live paycheck to paycheck forever.

So here I am a couple years later. I am a full-time student studying Human Resource, I am a full-time receptionist at a wonderful company and I am a full-time mommy of 1 crazy ball of fire.

How do I do it? I used to wonder when I was planning to start school again the same question. Well, I barely found a lot about this topic. Since now I am doing it I thought it would be great to share.

You do it because it’s the only way to give your daughter everything she deserves. I want my daughter to have a house where we can have dogs running around. I want her to have a place she can call home.

I mean I live in an apartment and every night we hear screaming and crying and fighting and if there isn’t a police car parked in the front of the lobby it’s a good week.

So the first step is asking if you can handle it.

If your sure if you’re determined there is no going back now.

Time to plan. Planning consists of figuring when you can go to school and work.

I work a 9-5 job Monday to Fridays. I decided I’ll take classes after work and some online.

Talk to your partner and grandparents. You will need someone to help you during this crazy time. Someone to watch the baby when you’re at school and possibly help around the house here and there.

My mom picks up my daughter 3 days a week from daycare. Those days I am in school. She watches her until hubby comes home from work.

Also, a good tip is to talk to your boss. Sometimes my classes interfere with my work schedule by a half hour. I talk to my boss about how I can stay later to make up for the days that I have to leave early to get to class on time.

The last step is to make time for you. Whatever that time might be spent on, have a little time for yourself. I LOVE to play video games. Sunday nights after dinner is cooked, I go and play for 2 hours. That’s my time.

I also make sure Saturdays we do a family activity to make it up to my daughter and hubby since I’m away during the week.

Time management yourself. You will realize you have more time than you thought. Spend your time wisely. The extra time you have, spend it having “you” time or spend it going to the park with your kids.

I can gladly say I have successfully finished my first semester with a 4.0 Avg, I’m doing fine at work and my daughter is one happy baby who loves loves loves pizza and indoor playgrounds.

A Pregnancy Story

So when I was about 4-5 Months pregnant with my daughter I would walk around the park to get some exercise. Of course walking by yourself was very boring so I asked my Aunt to Join me. I was very big at this time, a few steps had me sweating from my underboobs to my knees. I gained a total weight of 55Lbs. Don’t judge me I’m pregnant and I loved chocolate! Anyway, whenever my aunt and I would walk around Wasps and Bees would follow us. We were always swarmed by them. We didn’t carry any drinks or food so that couldn’t have been the reason. We would just be attacked by these bugs for no reason. So my aunt and I had a theory… Are bee’s attracted to pregnant women? I mean it makes sense, we have so many different hormones running through our bodies we might be giving out pheromones that bees are attracted to. Listen I have no knowledge about bees or what they like or don’t like. So we decided to look online. When you don’t know something, GOOGLE is your best friend. We searched and searched and this what we found on Ask Yahoo. Someone had asked the question “Are Bees attracted to Pregnant women?” and there was a reply from a Man. The reply to this question was:

“No one is attracted to pregnant women”.

I guess I got my answer.